I am unusually messy and complicated.
It’s taken me a long time to become comfortable with owning this fact about myself. As a kid, these were not traits that were understood in my small family that valued appearance, structure and order. My wild kinky curly hair, my outspoken nature, my tendency to think and feel deeply and my pull toward complex topics and individuals has always made me stand out and seem unusual. I like defying convention. I struggle with rules. I want to analyze everything and philosophize about its meaning. I gravitate toward disreputable people.
As a result, I have always felt stifled by other people’s expectations of me. Doing what others think I should do has powerfully conflicted with what I want or need to do in order to make myself happy. For most of my life, I did all the things people thought I should do in order to be seen as respectable and structured. And while I was doing all those things, I was losing myself in the process.
It was painful.
It took some major life shifts in my thirties for me to realize that I had taken on a life that wasn’t really my own, that I was not being authentic to myself and my own voice. I had straightened my unruly hair, was not speaking out nearly enough about what I am passionate about, had friends who weren’t really friends, and was afraid to leave a job that made me unhappy.
I vowed to undo it, all of it, so that I could start living a life that was authentic to me—in all its messy complication.
I think of undoing as the long, sometimes tedious process of unraveling. Unraveling what currently is in order to allow space and opportunity for what can be to flourish. It’s a process of detangling the convoluted mess of images and messages I learned in life that taught me that I was not enough. That my voice was too loud. That my deep thinking was unattractive and weird. That I could not be complicated and messy in a world that prefers structure and order.
In some ways, claiming who I am feels like I’m living my life each day as if it’s day one. I am constantly breaking down barriers and building myself up back again. It’s frightening and exhilarating all at once.
I am becoming. I am a work in progress.
I am undoing the conflict within myself—everyday.
Accompanying me on this journey are my husband and my stubborn Beagle pup, Clinton. As a couple, we navigate various conflicts everyday in our intercultural marriage (my husband is from Colombia) and the exuberance and chaos of living in a bilingual home. I am a yogi and can often be found trying to resolve my life’s conflicts on my yoga mat.
I’m glad you are here and invite you to join me in the process of exploring and undoing life’s conflicts.